Everybody Hearts

Because we’re nearing the end of chemo, I’ve let my mind turn to all the things I am looking forward to once it’s done.  (I have a feeling this will be a recurring theme in future posts.) Here are a few:

1) The little things:

There are so many little things that I’m looking forward to doing once chemo is done. Because my immune system has been compromised, my doctors have cautioned against a whole slew of things that I usually do. For example, I was warned against taking public transit (germs), going anywhere too crowded (germs), having mani/pedis (germs and chemicals), and drinking alcohol or caffeine (for reasons I forget). So, the month between chemo and surgery is going to be a month of taking transit, mingling in crowds, mani/pedis, and drinking.

2) Having hair again:

So, the hair thing has actually not been that big of a deal. Yes, it sucks to not have hair, and as the most visible marker of cancer, it is a tough one psychologically. But there have been much worse things to focus on: chemo is truly the hardest, most horrible thing I have ever had to endure, and surgery I’m sure will be a close second. At home, I mostly wear a hat (because my head gets really cold without hair), but when I go out I often wear my wig. Unfortunately, it is sometimes itchy and often hot. I’m excited for when I have enough hair to stop with the wig.

When my hair started to fall out in January, we just decided to shave it off. This is a pic we took mid-shave.

3) Halloween.

Okay, so I know that this is really far away, and pretty random, but I’ve realized recently how much I love Halloween. And, I’ve decided that I am totally not going to leave Halloween costumes till the last minute this year. Last year, Nate got two costumes: a pumpkin and a unicorn. (See adorable photos below.) And guess how many I got. None! I just didn’t get my act together to make it happen. This year, I vow to shop early and get myself at least one awesome, happy-making costume. (Mitchell, I will get you one too.) I think my wig would work well with Snow White. And I kind of can’t believe I haven’t been Snow White ever in my life.

Nate as a pumpkin.

Nate as a unicorn. (Inspired by Stevie and Leila.)

In the waiting room for Round 7 of chemo and saw this book. I haven’t read it, but I like the title.

Hanging out with Nate and bunny.

Mitchell and Nate on the weekend.

Me in my red hat.

Me, rocking my wig.

All of the above photos were taken by T’ai. The two bottom ones, of me in the red hat and of me in the wig were taken when we decided to do a mini-photo-shoot. T’ai did my make-up for me and we played around with the light in the room. When she showed me the first few pics, I said, “T’ai, you made me look cute with cancer!” So that became the theme of the rest of our play-photo-shoot: “cute with cancer.” We took a bunch more, and a few sans wig and hat, but I don’t feel quite ready to post any of those yet. Maybe one day.

My sister T’ai is visiting right now and it has been so wonderful having her here. A couple of days ago, I was feeling really strong so we went for a walk to the distillery district. We sat at a cafe, I brought a little dissertation work with me, and we had some lunch. I felt almost normal!

We were both struck with how pretty the little cafe was, so we took a few photos. I’m feeling a little more tired now, but I’m so glad we took the time to enjoy that day.

Pretty sis.

March 3, 2013

Hi friends and family,

I just wanted to share a little update with you.

First the good news – The CT scan has confirmed that the tumors are shrinking. In fact, the scan said that there were no longer any abnormalities in the neck area detected!! Yayayayay! This is the best news. The tumor in the breast and in the lymph node under the arm are still there but the mass is dispersing a bit. It no longer feels like a lump, more like an area where my flesh is a bit more dense, but not really a solid mass, which they tell me is a good thing.

So, the bad news is that I had some genetic testing done and it turns out that I have a gene that makes it more likely that I will get breast and/or ovarian cancer in my lifetime. At least this helps explain why this is happening and it doesn’t seem quite as random. Unfortunately, because of the aggressiveness of this cancer and the gene mutation, the doctors are recommending a double mastectomy (the second breast would be removed for prophylactic measures) and eventually, a preventative hysterectomy. These are things I did not think I would be thinking about at the age of 36. My surgery date has been set for May 1st.

I have a fair few good days, where I feel relatively happy and positive. The good news about the tumors shrinking keeps my spirits up in general. But I also have some really tough days. This past week I had to go to the emergency room because I had a fever. And I had a very bad rash on my feet, which made it difficult to put shoes on and to go outside. The oncologist suggested postponing this past treatment. She was worried that the rash was actually a sign of nerve damage. Thankfully, the rash went away, as did the fever and I was able to go forward with the chemo on Wednesday.

I have now completed 6 rounds of chemo, so only 2 more to go!!

I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reaching out with support and words of encouragement.

Sending love,

xoxo

January 31, 2013

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to send you all a little update.  I had round 4 of chemo yesterday. Halfway done!

Some of you will already know this info, but I figure there’s no harm in receiving good news twice:

I met with the oncologist again on Monday and she confirmed that the tumours are shrinking, which is great news. The original size of the breast tumor was 9cm x 7cm (Can you believe that? it’s insane! I couldn’t feel it because I had been breastfeeding, and this particular cancer appears to be very aggressive/fast growing. The only good thing about that is that it also appears to shrink relatively quickly too). After 2 treatments it was 5x5cm and now it’s 4×3 and 1/2cm. Much, much better. She can no longer feel the tumours that were in the lymph nodes in the neck area. (Of course, this doesn’t mean they are no longer there, but it does mean that they are much smaller.) I will have a CT scan next week that will give us a much better sense of what’s going on. I will meet with the surgeon the following week to find out more about what that will entail.

Round 3 was a bit harder than the earlier rounds, so I’m hoping this isn’t a trend. All my hair is gone now, but I’m happy to report that I’ve so far kept my eyebrows! (Some people lose their eyebrows in addition to their hair.). You know your reality has really changed when you find yourself saying, “Thank goodness I still have eyebrows!”

Otherwise, I feel okay. I’m trying to focus on all the positive things in my life: happy baby, wonderful husband and an amazing support network of awesome friends and family.  On good days, I’m still managing to work on the dissertation. It actually works as a great distraction from everything else, and helps me to feel productive.

For our friends and family in Toronto – I would love to see you all, but it’s a bit tough right now. My immune system is compromised, so I am limited in where I can go, and I feel tired a lot of the time. We are trying to be especially careful because of the crazy flu going around. Still, hopefully we can squeeze in some visits sometime soon. I know it will lift my spirits.

I also wanted to thank everyone for the phone calls/emails/cards etc. They really warm my heart. Even though I may be slow to reply, know that receiving your positive thoughts and energies really brightens my day so feel free to reach out. (But don’t be surprised if you don’t hear back from me right away.) And let me know what’s going on with you too. It’s nice to hear the news (big or small) going on with you.

Also, to all my lady friends, remember to do self-exams, and talk to your doctor about your family history and about mammograms! Early detection is key.

Lots and lots of love,
xo