In the past, I’ve tried to explain what chemo is like and it always ends up being something like this:
Imagine you are having the worst day. You wake up with a searing headache, you spill coffee on yourself, you miss your train, you lose your keys, a guy accidentally hits you in the head with a cardboard box at the mall (this happened to me once), your computer crashes, etc, you get the idea. And then, on top of all that, imagine that you have cancer, and in order to beat it, you have to have poison injected directly into your veins.
Okay, so I don’t know if that really gets at it, but let’s just say, chemo sucks. With the great news about the MRI results and ringing the bell, I was feeling pretty strong. (And thank you for all the awesome comments and well-wishes! I loved them all.) But this round, I have managed to catch a cold. And it kind of feels like I am nearing the end of a grueling marathon, and I’m down to the last 1km and someone has handed me a 10 pound weight to carry with me over the finish line. It’s enough to make me want to pull my hair out. Oh wait.
Usually, Friday is the worst day, and Saturday and Sunday are tough but better. Often, by about Sunday afternoon or Monday morning, I feel a little like the clouds are beginning to lift and I’m getting out of the chemo daze. This time though, it’s been a little slower, a little harder, a little more of a battle. Friday and Saturday were gorgeous and sunny here and I alternated between cursing the nice weather and appreciating that the seasons are beginning to change, a good reminder that despite my rough recovery time moves on. This weekend, Nate started a new round of swimming lessons, two sets of grandparents showered him with attention, friends and family came by to visit, and Mitchell, as always, continued to take great care of me.
The cumulative effects of the last 8 rounds of chemo, plus this cold, are tough, but even in my darkest moments, I know that the clouds will lift. It may take a little bit longer, but it will happen. I remind myself of all the support and love being sent my way and it makes me feel stronger.
And it reminds me too that sometimes the clouds simply lift, but then other times, you need to lift them.